


I just wanna be like hyung

by zombiepops



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Ace Bandage Binding, FTM Changkyun, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Multi, Transgender, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23251705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zombiepops/pseuds/zombiepops
Summary: It was a constant cycle, one that never seemed to go anywhere, and if Changkyun could get out of this house he would--if he could live the life he wanted with the people who loved him the most, that would be alright with him. But, instead of peace, he got constant anger thrown at him.Got angry like they were the ones who were miserable.“It shouldn’t really be that bad,” he whispered, before pulling his hoodie over his head. He drops it onto the floor, the faded red t-shirt and bra follows through. He avoids the mirror--avoids looking at it, or breathing near it. He wished he didn’t need a mirror to get ready in the mornings, but he did. So it stayed, not that he could take it out--this was his parent’s house for christ’s sake.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	I just wanna be like hyung

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, _please_ heed the warnings!! This fic will touch on my as well as one of my friend's experiences with gender dysphoria and body image issues. If this triggers you in any way possible, please don't read it!! I don't want anyone to feel upset, but this is just a little piece of writing that I've had the time to reflect on and edit and really come to terms with, but I know not everyone might feel that way. So please, read with caution. 
> 
> Also, don't ever bind with bandages!!!! I've learned from experience that you can hurt yourself really _really_ bad, okay!!

“I can’t believe this,” Changkyun mutters, eyeing the roll of elastic bandage wrap in hand. His lips were pursed together in a thin line, he knew the stories. Cracked ribs, bruises, torn muscles--those were all things that could result from ace bandage binding, but he still considered it. “Maybe they weren’t doing it right,” he muttered, “I can do this.” He sets the bandages down on the marble counter, eyed the doorknob to make sure the bathroom door was locked--he didn’t really have to worry about his parents busting in, they were gone for a week and he had plenty of time. They didn’t want a “burden getting in the way of the family fun,” as his father liked to put it. 

Honestly, though, he was just glad that they were gone. Changkyun’s happy there isn’t any misgendering or misnaming this weekend. He hated when they did that, when they called him Sangha even though he didn’t like it, and got angry when he corrected them. It was a constant cycle, one that never seemed to go anywhere, and if Changkyun could get out of this house he would--if he could live the life he wanted with the people who loved him the most, that would be alright with him. But, instead of peace, he got constant anger thrown at him. 

Got angry like they were the ones who were miserable. 

“It shouldn’t really be that bad,” he whispered, before pulling his hoodie over his head. He drops it onto the floor, the faded red t-shirt and bra follows through. He avoids the mirror--avoids looking at it, or breathing near it. He wished he didn’t need a mirror to get ready in the mornings, but he did. So it stayed, not that he could take it out--this was his parent’s house for christ’s sake. 

No matter how uncomfortable it made him, Changkyun knew the reality of it all--there was nothing he could do with an uneducated stepmother and a push-over father. 

He unravels the bandages and starts to wrap it around himself. It’s silent in the bathroom, only the soft breaths from Changkyun as he pressed the Velcro end of the bandage to the other side of the bandage, making sure it was secure before letting go. Changkyun looked up into the mirror, and the swell of his breasts were barely visible. He was sure that with a loose-fitting hoodie it would be even less visible. His heart felt like it was about to burst from his chest and, as he continues to stare at his reflection in the mirror, he lives for the fact that he doesn’t look feminine--he can’t believe how good he looks right now and he lets out an airy breath.  He looks like himself. He looks normal. 

What would the others think?

He’s brought out of his excitement when his phone starts playing Yuki no Hana from its space in the middle of the bed. He scrambles to pick up his hoodie and pull it on before running out of the open bathroom door to his bed, nearly busting his head open as he scrambles to pick up the phone. He barely answers the call in time, catching his breath and pressing the phone to his ear with a breathy, “Hello?” 

He hears Hoseok’s hearty laugh on the other end and rolls his eyes. 

“Kyun-ah, you alright? You sound like you ran a mile without a break,” Hoseok asks, and now Changkyun knows that Hoseok heard his panting from earlier. "What were you doing, pretty boy?" 

It should embarrass him, but it doesn’t. Hoseok’s been through it all with Changkyun and he knows there would never be any judgement. The only thing that flashes through his mind is mild discomfort, the feeling of wanting to take the bandages off but not doing so. The wind hasn’t gotten knocked out of him yet, so he doesn’t know if this is anxiety or actual pain, but he persists either way. There was nothing that he wanted more than to look the way he does right now. 

He looks so good and he doesn’t want his pesky breasts to get in the way. He feels like himself, so against any form of better judgement, he keeps the bandage on. "I wasn't doing anything, you greaseball. Just putting on my clothes and whatever." 

"I have a hard time believing that putting on your clothes causes you to pant like a dog, my love," Hoseok replied, voice getting exceedingly more concerned. "Are you sure you're alright?"

“Fine,” Changkyun says, “I’m totally fine, a hundred percent amazing--never been better,” Changkyun replies--even though he really should be paying attention to how the bandage around his chest tightens with every breath he takes. He should pay attention to the dull ache he feels when he breathes, but he doesn’t. 

A mistake? Probably. Did he care? Not at the moment, no. 

“Whatever you say my love, so. Ki, Wonnie, Hyunwoo and I are gonna go watch the new Incredibles movie with Joo and Min, wanna come?” The call gets a bit staticky and Changkyun knows Hoseok’s in a place that doesn’t have the signal, but waits patiently to clear it up. “They really want you to come, it hasn’t been all seven of us together in a real long time?” Changkyun can hear Kibum’s fond laugh in the background, “I think Kihyun really misses your kisses, he’s irritable--” 

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Lee--” Kihyun.

“Admit it Ki, you’ve missed Changkyun-ah since he’s started school--” Hyunwoo. 

“I want a kiss when I see you baby--” Hyungwon. 

“Enough guys, Changkyun should at least be at peace until we get to his house and fuck shit up.” Definitely Hoseok. 

He missed them, the other four--six if you didn’t include the two that weren’t in the car. Changkyun never realized how lonely he was until hearing them, all together. 

“Yeah, just text me when you’re here,” Changkyun says, and with that, he tries to hang up the phone. Even though he knows Hoseok hates it when he does that. “Oh, before I go, tell Hyungwon he’s getting the first kiss. Okay? And don’t sulk about it, Hoseok, I see you almost every day.” 

Changkyun doesn’t really expect Hoseok to call or text him when he and the others got here because he always forgets. Changkyun’s in the middle of slipping on his black platforms when he hears the familiar loudness of Hoseok and the reprimanding of Kihyun all in the same breath he takes. Kibum’s driving Hyungwon's car, Changkyun notices, and he beeps his horn. Changkyun doesn’t notice that Hoseok’s flailing his arms out the windows of the grey Mitsubishi when Changkyun turns toward the window and finally catches him and, with a laugh, he shakes his head disapprovingly. 

He’s a fool, Lee Hoseok. But that’s what makes him so lovable. 

Changkyun wastes no time in getting outside, making sure he has everything before marching out of the door, and barely steps off the porch before getting an armful of Hoseok. It caused him to stumble because he hadn’t been expecting it at all. 

Hoseok helps him regain his balance but never lets go after that. If he feels the wrap around his chest or notices that Changkyun isn’t wearing a bra, he never shows it. 

“Hey Seok,” he mumbled into Hoseok’s chest, the same one he’d been pulled into a bone-crushing hug. After what’s been happening at school, Hoseok’s been way more overprotective with him, affectionate too; it doesn’t bother Changkyun either, in all honesty, he feels safe. 

Hyungwon runs up to him, arms outstretched, and places a kiss on Changkyun's temple. “I missed you,” Hyungwon whispers, “I think we all did.”

The loud blare of the car horn made the two break apart. Kihyun, the asshole, was cackling--head thrown back as he leaned over the driver’s side window. “Get in you two,” Kihyun states, “The movie starts in thirty minutes and we still need to get to the theatre. We can be lovey-dovey later.” 

Changkyun rushed into the car, so neither of his boyfriends would notice the blush on the apples of his cheeks. Hoseok and Kihyun throw curses at each other playfully: 

“You’re such an ass.” Hoseok. 

“Yeah, yeah, just hurry up and get in the truck.” Kihyun.

“This is a Mitsubishi, Ki, it’s a car-” 

“I don’t care, hurry up and get in.” 

Now, the quintet are on their way to meet the other part of their incomplete septet. Changkyun’s not really sure who the others were, but he doesn’t have much time to question it since Hoseok’s turned in his seat--he’s been talking a mile a minute almost the whole car ride while Hyunwoo and Hyungwon look at him apologetically. Hyunwoo places a hand on Changkyun’s, squeezing it before letting go. Hyungwon mentions something about Hoseok having drunk a Red Bull before coming here, which made sense why he was being hyperactive, but Changkyun couldn’t ponder it before Kihyun is telling Hoseok to “sit his ass on the seat” because he could get a ticket. Kihyun also said that if they got into a wreck “Hoseok’s thick ass self will go flying through the window,” but that still didn’t stop him from talking to Changkyun. 

This didn’t bother him either. Changkyun liked listening to Hoseok speak, he found his voice soothing and loved the joy in his eyes when he talked about something he was passionate about. Changkyun nodded as he listened, chiming in whenever Hoseok wanted his opinion on something or to acknowledge that he was listening. Normally, he’d contribute more to the conversation, but there was an ache in his sternum. His chest felt tight and he just thought it was a panic attack. 

He was no stranger to panic attacks. 

The brunette didn’t have much time to think about it though, because Hoseok’s excited chatter prevented Changkyun from getting up in his head. 

  
  



End file.
